When I was three years old, my oldest cousin served his mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Mexico.  I obviously don't have much recollection of him leaving, but I do remember when he came home he had an intense tan, was speaking English in a Spanish accent, and I was completely convinced he was now Mexican (because that's how my five year old mind worked).  On top of noticing his change in ethnicity, I noticed a change in the way he carried himself, a change to a person confident in his faith in and testimony of Christ.  I do not remember a whole lot about the boy my cousin was before he served his mission, but upon his return I have always admired the man he became and continues to become.  He was really my first example as to what it was to want to serve the Lord as a missionary and what a blessing it was to do so.  When he came back from his mission, I distinctly remember sitting in the car thinking about these things and how I wanted to be just like him.  I wanted to serve a mission.  I wanted to do all that the Lord needed me to do to help all those I could.  Of course, this was all in a less refined, more toddler-minded process of thinking.  I mean, I was a pretty weird kid, but I wasn't quite at that level of maturity yet.

I had always kept this determination to serve in the back of my mind, but 21 always seemed an age that was so out of reach.  I went on with life as human beings do.  I grew up, I had my trials of faith, I developed my own testimony; and with that development of testimony, I grew more in my desire to share the gospel as a full-time missionary.  I tried to be a missionary by example in my high school where I was the only member and I tried to be a missionary to my friends and family who had fallen away from the church.  I was nowhere near perfect at it, but my desire to share the joy of the gospel of Jesus Christ still burned bright.

So, when the announcement of the age change was made in October 2012, I felt such comfort and gratitude.  I felt the hopes of my five year old self becoming a reality.  I prayed and fasted about it for a couple of months and felt promptings back and forth about going.  I attributed the "don't go" promptings to just me being afraid of my own inadequacies, so I pressed forward.  I told my family and then I told the world of social media.  I felt good about this.  I felt like I was doing what the Lord needed me to do.

Preparing for my mission was one of the most sacred experiences of my life, and suddenly feeling the prompting that that was no longer what the Lord needed me to do was an even more sacred experience.  It is unfortunate that not everyone has seen it this way, but I will be forever grateful that the Lord allowed me to go through this.  He needs me where I am, and I want to strive to be worthy of that call.  I know He loves me more than I could ever imagine.  He cares about me.  He knows my trials and He knows my faith.  He knows how I hurt and what I rejoice in.  He has blessed me more than I will ever be able to comprehend in mortality.  I look forward and will strive to prepare for that day when I will see just how much He has blessed me and just how much He was a part of my everyday.  He is always there waiting for me to reach out to Him.  I know it.

The Great Impact of Simple Somethings

I want to tell you about someone named Abinadi.

I may not do justice to this great man's story, but I sure can try.

Abinadi was a faithful servant of the Lord, and like most servants of the Lord, he wanted to share what he had found in knowing the Lord and His goodness -- he wanted to share the joy that can only come through the gospel of Jesus Christ.  Unfortunately, those the Lord needed him to share the gospel with were not so keen on gaining said joy.  They didn't want to hear this craziness about how they were an iniquitous people and how they would suffer if they did not repent.  They were prideful.  They thought they were on top of the world where nothing could touch them.  They weren't doing anything wrong.  They were just perfect the way they were.

Shortly thereafter, their oh-so-great-but-not-actually-so-great king, King Noah, heard about this blasphemous Abinadi and his preposterous prophecies.  He more or less took an "Off with his head!" sort of approach to the situation.  Abinadi fled, but a couple years later came back in disguise to continue his efforts to help these people.  The people continued to stick up their noses at him and continued in their desire to have him killed.  To add fuel to the hate-fire, Abinadi added to his prophecies that their "perfect" king would experience death by fire.  That was no beuno in the eyes of the people.  They brought this man to the king and told the king of  his irreverence.

The wicked king and the evil priests of his court showed no mercy.  They interrogated Abinadi.  They sought to make a liar out of him.  They sought to make him dig himself into a hole from which he could not escape.

They did not know who they were dealing with.

The priests barely got a moment to get their hole-digging shovels ready.  Having the Lord on his side, Abinadi knew what these guys were up to.  So, he turned the tables on them.  He questioned them about the doctrine they were supposed to be teaching their people.  He scolded them for not leading by example.  He told them about all the ways they were walking their people down a path that will lead to nothing but destruction.

They knew he was right, so of course they didn't want to listen.  They tried to seize him to finally end all this talk of their failings.  They couldn't touch him, though.  The Lord was not done speaking through him.  He continued to tell them of their wrongdoings, but he also told them about this wonderful thing, this wonderful person that they were denying their people the honor, the privilege of knowing -- the Promised Messiah.

He quotes the words of Isaiah:

3 He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief; and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not.

4 Surely he has borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows; yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted.

5 But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.

6 All we, like sheep, have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way; and the Lord hath laid on him the iniquities of us all.

He spoke of Christ's healing, saving Atonement.  He spoke of the lost people we would be if Christ was not coming.  This was before Christ's time, but he spoke of Him in the present.  He spoke of how the coming Atonement should be just as much a part of their lives in that time as it would be in the moment of its happening.  He spoke of the joy that we can experience because of this humble, loving Christ if we follow His teachings.

He spoke of many more beautiful things that I encourage each of you to read, but his story ends shortly thereafter.  Once he was finished speaking with love and warning in his voice, King Noah ordered for his execution by fire, but a remarkable thing happened.

Before Abinadi was to face the flames, one of King Noah's priests, Alma, spoke up.  He pled with the king that he may have mercy upon Abinadi.  Unlike the other priests, Alma had opened his heart to the words of Abinadi and had felt the warm confirmation of their truth through the Holy Ghost.  King Noah just became angrier, of course, and ordered Alma to be slain as well.  Alma got away luckily, and Abinadi proceeded to his execution with the same boldness of faith he had had in facing his executioner.

I have been thinking a lot about Abinadi as I have been preparing for my mission.  It would seem not much came of his efforts.  That is the farthest thing from the truth.  In his short life, in this short mission he embarked on, Abinadi turned the heart of Alma.  It is because of Abinadi that Alma had a change of heart and was able to turn the hearts of so many afterward.  It is because of Abinadi that Alma became a great prophet and that his son, Alma the younger's story of miraculous repentance came to be.  It is because of Abinadi that Alma the younger too became a great prophet, as well as many after him.

Abinadi affected a life that affected and continues to affect the lives of so, so many.

For some reason I have heard a lot of people lately talking about their greatest fear being not leaving some sort of impact on the world.  I like to think our very existence leaves an impact on the world.  We will have countless amounts of acquaintances and so many friends throughout our lives.  Each of those friends and acquaintances take something from knowing us, and we from them.  We give those somethings to others and they give those somethings to someone else and so on and so forth.  Heavenly Father places each person that is in our lives in our lives for a specific reason.  He knows each of us perfectly and knows who we need and who needs us.  He placed bold and brave Abinadi in the lion's den that was King Noah's court because He knew his lost sheep, Alma, needed to hear Abinadi's witness of the Lord's love.  He knew Alma needed to hear and know so that so many others could hear and know.  He did not intend Abinadi's death to be for nothing.

I myself have feared not being able to turn the heart of someone, anyone to Christ while I am on my mission, but even before or after my mission.  I have feared my lack of impact, but in rereading Abinadi's story I have reached this new reality of understanding.  I have come to understand that both on my mission and in my everyday everyone is there for me to impact.  The passing stranger with their head hanging low will be impacted by my smile, the stressed out friend will be impacted by my listening for longer than my heavy eyelids want me to, the lost sheep I will come across in my mission will be impacted in some way by my reaching out to them and boldly, lovingly telling them of Christ as Abinadi did.

My impact might not seem as great as one that stems from martyrdom or baptizing 204 souls at a time as Alma did upon escaping the courts of King Noah, but I know those simple somethings that I pass on to others and that they pass on to me are a part of the greater something that is our Heavenly Father's plan of happiness.  They are a part of His bringing us back to our heavenly home if we let them be.  If we choose to make those somethings somethings that uplift and encourage; somethings that bring others and ourselves closer to the joy and peace that only Christ can bring.

It is my greatest wish and my most earnest prayer that my impact of somethings will be one that Heavenly Father will be proud of; one that will evoke the words we all wish to hear some day...

Well done thou good and faithful servant.

Fear and Weakness

I finished my mission papers at the beginning of this week and now I am stuck in that waiting game of anxiously wanting to attack the mail man and rip my call from his hands.

Since the announcement of the age change for missionaries last October, I have felt such a love from my Heavenly Father and Savior as I have continually prayed and fasted to know if the path They want for me includes an 18-month mile of a mission.  Since October it was a quiet but powerful yes, but Satan kept placing doubts in my heart, making me afraid of my inadequacies.  Once Christmas rolled around, I still had kept the internal struggle between the Lord and me.  It must have been the Spirit of Christ in the air at that time of year that made me want to live with the conviction of the phrase Fear is the opposite of faith.  As I have vocalized my decision to serve a mission, Heavenly Father has placed so many words in the mouths of those around me and in my own mind and heart that have strengthened that conviction and given greater clarity to the fact that it is not me that is going on a mission, but me as a representative of Christ.  It will not be me stumbling over my words, it will be the Spirit speaking through me.

What I have really come to know and understand for myself is that Heavenly Father does not want the perfect to go out to teach the gospel of Jesus Christ.  He wants His imperfect children to teach His imperfect children.  He wants them to develop a Christ-like love for one another, even with the flaws and weaknesses that come with mortality.  He wants them to understand the power of a humble heart with a willingness and a desire to serve.  He wants them to learn from their weaknesses and help those weaknesses become strengths.  He wants to help their heavy hearts and heal their mortal wounds as they are lifting others and helping them to do the same.  Most of all, though, He wants them to always know that He is there, always ready and wanting to help.  He is always hanging on the edge of His seat, waiting for us to reach for His outstretched hand.  He wants so much to guide us where we need to go to find the greatest happiness.  We need only ask.


Your Father in heaven knows your name and knows your circumstance. He hears your prayers. He knows your hopes and dreams, including your fears and frustrations. And He knows what you can become through faith in Him. - Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

Change of Plans

I love BYU.  It has been an absolutely amazing experience thus far being amongst people who know and believe the same things I do.  I have an amazing group of friends that I spend almost 24/7 with.  I have a job that keeps me afloat.  I've said it before, and I'll say it again, Heavenly Father knows me better than I know myself.  He knew that I would be happier and more challenged here than at any other school, and I am so happy for that.

That being said, there is always a bit of pressure being in a mostly LDS environment.  I mean, I'm not a heathen or anything, but there can sometimes be a cloud of judgement hanging over people's heads when you mention you had to finish that one essay on a Sunday.  I don't let any of this get to me or anything, but that's just a little picture I want to paint for you for what I want to talk about.

Recently, through revelation given to the Prophet, Thomas S. Monson, the church has changed things up a bit.  Until October 2012, the age at which one could become a missionary was 19 for boys and 21 for girls.  It was announced in the last General Conference -- after much prayer and revelation through Latter-day prophet, seers, and revelators -- that the ages would be changed to 18 for boys and 19 for girls.

Missions have always been an optional thing for girls.  Not that their testimonies are less important, but a more educationally-based route is encouraged for young women of the church.  Young men need that experience more to develop in their strength of testimony and their priesthood -- all things that are a different topic for a different time.  Of course many young women hopped on the bandwagon right quick.  I think the sheer power of what we all had witnessed that day was enough to turn any heart to want to be a missionary.  We just experienced powerful modern-day revelation.  It was a huge testimony-builder, even if people's plans for a mission were not going to change.  However, I did not want to be one so caught up in the moment as to mistake that testimony-builder for a prompting of needing to go on a mission myself.  It sounds awful when I think about it now, but that's what it was.

For a long, long time I have been praying about it and searching the scriptures for answers.  I kept getting promptings that went back and forth -- go, don't go, go, don't go.  To be honest, though, I think it was a "go" this whole time.  I was just scared.  I was scared of my inadequacies and my lack of perfection.  I was scared I would be going for the wrong reasons.  I was scared to fail my Heavenly Father and my Savior who have given me so much.  Then I realized They have given me so much.  Whenever I have asked and been worthy, They have made up for my inadequacies and imperfections.  When I have put my trust in Them, I have never failed.  Going for Them is why I would be going, and that is the right reason to go.

Come March I will be starting my mission papers.  I will be putting my life on hold for 18 months to share the gospel of Jesus Christ with my brothers and sisters in some part of the world.  I will not be leaving until some time between August and January, but I am more and more excited each day.  I am so very grateful for this opportunity.

sdaigeaguhqeu!

I cannot believe I forgot to mention this (at least, I don't remember mentioning it), but NATHANAEL IS GOING TO BRAZIL FOR HIS MISSION!  He got his Mission Call while we were at Education Week, and we woke up to texts telling us the great news.  Funnily enough, the day before, was when I met those two sets of sister missionaries, and one of the sisters was from Brazil.  Harty har har.

So, of course, after hearing the news, we dashed for the bookstore to see what we could find him.  I picked out a million books, but my mom said, "If they don't have pictures, I don't think he's going to read them."  Well, poo.  So, we got him some things and a pin that has his mission on it (Forteleza), after calling them and asking which of the gazillion Brazil missions he was assigned to.  Nicholas was actually the one who answered the phone, and, mistaking him for Nathanael, I said, "Hey, future missionary!"  Haha.  Which, I guess, still holds true.  Lol.

I love my family so much...I just feel like I could burst with happiness at any moment because of how happy and proud they make me.