I have not felt the greatest for quite some time.
My spirit has felt heavy with stress and I've been blindly walking in different directions that, in the moment, felt like the right ones.
It has been about a year and four months since I was supposed to report to the MTC to prepare to serve the people of the Arizona-Scottsdale Mission, but the Lord had a different path for me. Feeling the prompting to serve and preparing for my mission involved some of the most sacred experiences of my life. And the same can be said from the experience of learning from the Lord that my desire to serve was enough for Him and that my mission did not involve wearing a name tag that said "Sister Cybulski" for 18 months. I feel complete peace in that decision He made for me and I followed.
I went on with my life. I went back to school; I did the Disney College Program over the summer; I started making greater efforts to be involved with missionary work in whatever ways I could. But for the past six months or so, I've felt a heaviness. It started as every few weeks, then every few days, then every few hours, and now I worry that it will take consistent hold.
I'm still secure and at peace with not serving, but I was so set on following that direction for so long that once that road ended, I was a little flabbergasted as to which road to take next. And I still kind of am. I don't really know if that uncertainty is why my heart has been hurting so much lately, but it might be a contributing factor.
I'm not a negative person. I tend to look on the brighter side of things. I recognized some time ago that this life is a beautiful, sacred gift from a loving Heavenly Father and that fact still echoes through me every day. I know my worth because I know my Savior, Jesus Christ. And while these thoughts are not mere thoughts, but facts to me, they have been slowly dimming in fervency without my even realizing what was happening.
I haven't really talked about these things with anyone except my Heavenly Father. I tend to be a little prideful when it comes to the not so bright side of things in my life. I justify myself in not wanting to burden others and thinking that the only person whose opinion or counsel I actually need is God's. I like to work things out just between Him and me. Maybe that's not the exact way He wants me to deal with this load He is trying to help me carry, but I'm not perfect and I'm learning to let others in. And He is helping me break those walls.
I've been a little lazy in my journal writing lately (meaning for the past three months). I write entries on my phone or in an email instead of my actual journal. I've been making an effort to transcribe those digital entries into my journal for a few days now. I finished last night, and oh my goodness am I blind.
I'm blind to the hand Heavenly Father has had in my life every single day. I'm blind to the promptings He has given others to stop by my apartment just to talk. I'm blind to His kindness found in the smiles from strangers on campus. I'm so blind to His gentle, quiet efforts to make me feel loved through others.
For my journal writing, I write what I have been grateful for in each day. In transcribing my entries, I've noticed that every single one is jam-packed with these small, powerful blessings that are witnesses to me of my Father in heaven's awareness of every part of my every day. Whether it's in the simple fact that I have the kindest, most genuine friends who I just happened to run into on a bad day, or that we danced my favorite routine in my Zumba class when I didn't even want to get up to go to class that day; God is in my every moment trying to make me happy. He is encouraging me, even if I'm deaf to His cheers.
I've been so absorbed in myself and my hurts that I've let go of that positive person I used to be. I have so much to be grateful for and I've been losing sight of that beautiful truth, but it is truth nonetheless. I have so many people looking out for me in both heaven and earth. The maker of galaxies cares about my worries and my heartaches just as deeply as (if not, more than) me and I'm going to try to keep that fact close to my heart. I know He is there for me, even if I'm not always there to receive His love. I know His arm is always outstretched, waiting for me to be lifted into His embrace. I know this yoke I am carrying is not mine to bear alone. I know He is trying to help me find my happy again.
Another thing to be grateful for.
My spirit has felt heavy with stress and I've been blindly walking in different directions that, in the moment, felt like the right ones.
It has been about a year and four months since I was supposed to report to the MTC to prepare to serve the people of the Arizona-Scottsdale Mission, but the Lord had a different path for me. Feeling the prompting to serve and preparing for my mission involved some of the most sacred experiences of my life. And the same can be said from the experience of learning from the Lord that my desire to serve was enough for Him and that my mission did not involve wearing a name tag that said "Sister Cybulski" for 18 months. I feel complete peace in that decision He made for me and I followed.
I went on with my life. I went back to school; I did the Disney College Program over the summer; I started making greater efforts to be involved with missionary work in whatever ways I could. But for the past six months or so, I've felt a heaviness. It started as every few weeks, then every few days, then every few hours, and now I worry that it will take consistent hold.
I'm still secure and at peace with not serving, but I was so set on following that direction for so long that once that road ended, I was a little flabbergasted as to which road to take next. And I still kind of am. I don't really know if that uncertainty is why my heart has been hurting so much lately, but it might be a contributing factor.
I'm not a negative person. I tend to look on the brighter side of things. I recognized some time ago that this life is a beautiful, sacred gift from a loving Heavenly Father and that fact still echoes through me every day. I know my worth because I know my Savior, Jesus Christ. And while these thoughts are not mere thoughts, but facts to me, they have been slowly dimming in fervency without my even realizing what was happening.
I haven't really talked about these things with anyone except my Heavenly Father. I tend to be a little prideful when it comes to the not so bright side of things in my life. I justify myself in not wanting to burden others and thinking that the only person whose opinion or counsel I actually need is God's. I like to work things out just between Him and me. Maybe that's not the exact way He wants me to deal with this load He is trying to help me carry, but I'm not perfect and I'm learning to let others in. And He is helping me break those walls.
I've been a little lazy in my journal writing lately (meaning for the past three months). I write entries on my phone or in an email instead of my actual journal. I've been making an effort to transcribe those digital entries into my journal for a few days now. I finished last night, and oh my goodness am I blind.
I'm blind to the hand Heavenly Father has had in my life every single day. I'm blind to the promptings He has given others to stop by my apartment just to talk. I'm blind to His kindness found in the smiles from strangers on campus. I'm so blind to His gentle, quiet efforts to make me feel loved through others.
God, who oversees the interlacings of galaxies, stars, and worlds, asks us to confess His hand in our
personal lives, too. Have we not been reassured about the fall of one sparrow and that the very hairs of our heads are numbered? God is in the details! Just as the Lord knows all of His vast creations, He also knows and loves each in any crowd—indeed, He knows and loves each and all of mankind!
-- Elder Neal A. Maxwell
For my journal writing, I write what I have been grateful for in each day. In transcribing my entries, I've noticed that every single one is jam-packed with these small, powerful blessings that are witnesses to me of my Father in heaven's awareness of every part of my every day. Whether it's in the simple fact that I have the kindest, most genuine friends who I just happened to run into on a bad day, or that we danced my favorite routine in my Zumba class when I didn't even want to get up to go to class that day; God is in my every moment trying to make me happy. He is encouraging me, even if I'm deaf to His cheers.
I've been so absorbed in myself and my hurts that I've let go of that positive person I used to be. I have so much to be grateful for and I've been losing sight of that beautiful truth, but it is truth nonetheless. I have so many people looking out for me in both heaven and earth. The maker of galaxies cares about my worries and my heartaches just as deeply as (if not, more than) me and I'm going to try to keep that fact close to my heart. I know He is there for me, even if I'm not always there to receive His love. I know His arm is always outstretched, waiting for me to be lifted into His embrace. I know this yoke I am carrying is not mine to bear alone. I know He is trying to help me find my happy again.
Another thing to be grateful for.
