2015 was not the kindest year to me. Of course, there were moments of inexpressible joy and light, but looking back, it seems like those moments are dulled by the immense darkness that seemed to envelope my little world. I'm not sure this is the appropriate place to extricate everything that the year brought with it, but I want to release some of the year into this little post so I can stop dwelling on it alone.
The year began with a heartbreak that I couldn't quite shake for the longest time. But as I found my way into spring, I felt a renewal of my ability to open up and care for another person again. The season was a long, beautiful moment woven into months that helped me to be happy again and once summer took over, it flourished as I took my own adventure to the other side of the globe.
I can't even begin to express how much my experience with my study abroad was one that was divinely given.
In the sadness at the beginning of the year, I felt like I had lost myself a little bit and lost my understanding of the importance of remaining a good person (because it had just brought me to heartache then and before). Then, suddenly, as I was walking home from class one evening, the thought of looking into a study abroad came to mind. I thought of my dream of going to Scotland and felt this burning drive to make it happen. So, I looked into the programs my school offered. I found a few that looked interesting and would help me make my way to Scotland. I narrowed it down to three, but my thoughts and good feelings just kept going back to the English Language in Britain program. So, I applied for it. And by the miracle of immense generosity from others, my bank, and my school, this poor white girl was able to afford her dream.
Even after the miracle of getting everything done and together before I left, the blessings didn't stop there. My spring of being happy again melded into a summer of a beautiful adventure that helped me to become reacquainted with who I was and helped me learn to just be the person I wanted to be.
I don't really know how to describe it, but the Lord was in every mile of that adventure. He was there when my heart filled with gratitude at Hadrian's Wall for the immense beauty that was surrounding me just before entering Scotland. He was there when I got the courage to get into the coldest water I've ever felt in my life in Lake Windermere and the thrill that came with that. The Lord was in the kind old couple I met on Llandudno Beach in Wales that talked to me and my friends for two hours about their incredible lives. He was there when I found the home of my heart in the beautiful country of Ireland and its beautifully kind people.
Once the adventure was over, I was ready to keep on with the happy streak that I had been blessed with for those four beautiful months. What I was met with, however, was the complete opposite. The happiness I had in spring seemed to have lost its will to thrive when I came back to school in the fall. I was in denial about it for a little while until I felt myself slip into this deep and abiding anger. I still can't tell you exactly what it was that I was so angry about, but that anger was all too real and really foreign to me. I lost the thirst that I have always had to show those around me that they are important and cared for; I lost the will to make new friends and seek new adventure, which had previously been a part of my personality. I sunk into this hole that I couldn't seem to find the way out of.
In that hour of immense confusion and frustration, I felt the deep impression to just hold on to my love for and relationship with my Savior. I'm glad that I never lost the desire to do so and I'm grateful for the ones close to me that helped me find my way out of that seemingly endless hole, but man, oh man, was it horrendously difficult.
I immersed myself in my studies (as it was the most intense semester of my life thus far) and what energy I had I mainly spent just trying to find the optimistic part of my personality that seemed to have just suddenly died. The only way I thought I could do that was just trying my best to give my all (well, what all that was left) to my relationship with my Heavenly Father. And while it did take a heck of a lot of time (and a trip home to my mommy), I did find my happy again. It was a different kind of happiness from spring's, but it was a happiness nonetheless. I enjoyed the contentedness and felt myself coming back to me again.
Toward the end of the year came a broken heart of a different kind, which I've already talked about here. It was a devastatingly difficult time, but it was a time where I continued to come to know my Heavenly Father and my Savior and their immense, incomparable love.
2015 was a deeply personal year. That's probably the word I would use to sum it up--personal. But with the ups and all of the downs I came to know what is truly important at the end of the day, and that came with a long year of getting to know and love more deeply the God who gave me life and the Savior who gave me a second chance. I would have been an even bigger wreck than I already was if it weren't for both of Them lifting my heavy loads and smiling with me when the good moments came into view. They are so incredibly good to me, even when I don't always deserve it. I've come to know this year more than ever that men are that they might have joy. Even if that joy is egging you on as you look up at it from your dark hole, there's always going to be the moment when you are able to choose to see the climbing rope that has been provided by a loving Father or continue to look down into the darkness and every other direction for some easier way out. It's not always easy, and this year was not always easy, but it was so worth it in the end.
I ended 2015 in the House of the Lord, which really sums up where I've found myself after all of this--in the comforting warmth of the gospel of Jesus Christ. I plan to be there as much as possible this year, because with all of these dark hours I faced this past year, that sacred, beautiful place has never failed to give me what I needed to be pushed toward the light again.
______________
I think I'll just go ahead and make this the song of my 2015 because it's perfect:
The year began with a heartbreak that I couldn't quite shake for the longest time. But as I found my way into spring, I felt a renewal of my ability to open up and care for another person again. The season was a long, beautiful moment woven into months that helped me to be happy again and once summer took over, it flourished as I took my own adventure to the other side of the globe.
I can't even begin to express how much my experience with my study abroad was one that was divinely given.
In the sadness at the beginning of the year, I felt like I had lost myself a little bit and lost my understanding of the importance of remaining a good person (because it had just brought me to heartache then and before). Then, suddenly, as I was walking home from class one evening, the thought of looking into a study abroad came to mind. I thought of my dream of going to Scotland and felt this burning drive to make it happen. So, I looked into the programs my school offered. I found a few that looked interesting and would help me make my way to Scotland. I narrowed it down to three, but my thoughts and good feelings just kept going back to the English Language in Britain program. So, I applied for it. And by the miracle of immense generosity from others, my bank, and my school, this poor white girl was able to afford her dream.
Even after the miracle of getting everything done and together before I left, the blessings didn't stop there. My spring of being happy again melded into a summer of a beautiful adventure that helped me to become reacquainted with who I was and helped me learn to just be the person I wanted to be.
 |
| The Lakes District |
Once the adventure was over, I was ready to keep on with the happy streak that I had been blessed with for those four beautiful months. What I was met with, however, was the complete opposite. The happiness I had in spring seemed to have lost its will to thrive when I came back to school in the fall. I was in denial about it for a little while until I felt myself slip into this deep and abiding anger. I still can't tell you exactly what it was that I was so angry about, but that anger was all too real and really foreign to me. I lost the thirst that I have always had to show those around me that they are important and cared for; I lost the will to make new friends and seek new adventure, which had previously been a part of my personality. I sunk into this hole that I couldn't seem to find the way out of.
In that hour of immense confusion and frustration, I felt the deep impression to just hold on to my love for and relationship with my Savior. I'm glad that I never lost the desire to do so and I'm grateful for the ones close to me that helped me find my way out of that seemingly endless hole, but man, oh man, was it horrendously difficult.
 |
| Surprising my mom for her birthday |
Toward the end of the year came a broken heart of a different kind, which I've already talked about here. It was a devastatingly difficult time, but it was a time where I continued to come to know my Heavenly Father and my Savior and their immense, incomparable love.
2015 was a deeply personal year. That's probably the word I would use to sum it up--personal. But with the ups and all of the downs I came to know what is truly important at the end of the day, and that came with a long year of getting to know and love more deeply the God who gave me life and the Savior who gave me a second chance. I would have been an even bigger wreck than I already was if it weren't for both of Them lifting my heavy loads and smiling with me when the good moments came into view. They are so incredibly good to me, even when I don't always deserve it. I've come to know this year more than ever that men are that they might have joy. Even if that joy is egging you on as you look up at it from your dark hole, there's always going to be the moment when you are able to choose to see the climbing rope that has been provided by a loving Father or continue to look down into the darkness and every other direction for some easier way out. It's not always easy, and this year was not always easy, but it was so worth it in the end.
I ended 2015 in the House of the Lord, which really sums up where I've found myself after all of this--in the comforting warmth of the gospel of Jesus Christ. I plan to be there as much as possible this year, because with all of these dark hours I faced this past year, that sacred, beautiful place has never failed to give me what I needed to be pushed toward the light again.
______________
I think I'll just go ahead and make this the song of my 2015 because it's perfect:
Beautifully written and shared Jazmin. xo Aunt G
ReplyDelete