I have not felt the greatest for quite some time.

My spirit has felt heavy with stress and I've been blindly walking in different directions that, in the moment, felt like the right ones.

It has been about a year and four months since I was supposed to report to the MTC to prepare to serve the people of the Arizona-Scottsdale Mission, but the Lord had a different path for me. Feeling the prompting to serve and preparing for my mission involved some of the most sacred experiences of my life. And the same can be said from the experience of learning from the Lord that my desire to serve was enough for Him and that my mission did not involve wearing a name tag that said "Sister Cybulski" for 18 months. I feel complete peace in that decision He made for me and I followed.

I went on with my life. I went back to school; I did the Disney College Program over the summer; I started making greater efforts to be involved with missionary work in whatever ways I could. But for the past six months or so, I've felt a heaviness. It started as every few weeks, then every few days, then every few hours, and now I worry that it will take consistent hold.

I'm still secure and at peace with not serving, but I was so set on following that direction for so long that once that road ended, I was a little flabbergasted as to which road to take next. And I still kind of am. I don't really know if that uncertainty is why my heart has been hurting so much lately, but it might be a contributing factor.

I'm not a negative person. I tend to look on the brighter side of things. I recognized some time ago that this life is a beautiful, sacred gift from a loving Heavenly Father and that fact still echoes through me every day. I know my worth because I know my Savior, Jesus Christ. And while these thoughts are not mere thoughts, but facts to me, they have been slowly dimming in fervency without my even realizing what was happening.

I haven't really talked about these things with anyone except my Heavenly Father. I tend to be a little prideful when it comes to the not so bright side of things in my life. I justify myself in not wanting to burden others and thinking that the only person whose opinion or counsel I actually need is God's. I like to work things out just between Him and me. Maybe that's not the exact way He wants me to deal with this load He is trying to help me carry, but I'm not perfect and I'm learning to let others in. And He is helping me break those walls.

I've been a little lazy in my journal writing lately (meaning for the past three months). I write entries on my phone or in an email instead of my actual journal. I've been making an effort to transcribe those digital entries into my journal for a few days now. I finished last night, and oh my goodness am I blind.

I'm blind to the hand Heavenly Father has had in my life every single day. I'm blind to the promptings He has given others to stop by my apartment just to talk. I'm blind to His kindness found in the smiles from strangers on campus. I'm so blind to His gentle, quiet efforts to make me feel loved through others.

God, who oversees the interlacings of galaxies, stars, and worlds, asks us to confess His hand in our

personal lives, too. Have we not been reassured about the fall of one sparrow and that the very hairs of our heads are numbered? God is in the details! Just as the Lord knows all of His vast creations, He also knows and loves each in any crowd—indeed, He knows and loves each and all of mankind!

 -- Elder Neal A. Maxwell

For my journal writing, I write what I have been grateful for in each day. In transcribing my entries, I've noticed that every single one is jam-packed with these small, powerful blessings that are witnesses to me of my Father in heaven's awareness of every part of my every day. Whether it's in the simple fact that I have the kindest, most genuine friends who I just happened to run into on a bad day, or that we danced my favorite routine in my Zumba class when I didn't even want to get up to go to class that day; God is in my every moment trying to make me happy. He is encouraging me, even if I'm deaf to His cheers.

I've been so absorbed in myself and my hurts that I've let go of that positive person I used to be. I have so much to be grateful for and I've been losing sight of that beautiful truth, but it is truth nonetheless. I have so many people looking out for me in both heaven and earth. The maker of galaxies cares about my worries and my heartaches just as deeply as (if not, more than) me and I'm going to try to keep that fact close to my heart. I know He is there for me, even if I'm not always there to receive His love. I know His arm is always outstretched, waiting for me to be lifted into His embrace. I know this yoke I am carrying is not mine to bear alone. I know He is trying to help me find my happy again.

Another thing to be grateful for. 

Divine Struggle

Woah.  I have definitely been M.I.A. these past few months.  All apologies.*

For some reason, Sundays always seem like the perfect day to blog.  I gain this spiritual high from church and then I feel like I can do anything and creativity and thought just feel so abundant for some reason.

Anywho, life has been a bit crazy in my neck of the woods.  As previously mentioned, I am taking classes that are stretching my limits of sanity and I also work basically all weekend every weekend. The thing is, though, I honestly don't mind it one bit.  That sounded super self-righteous, but it has taken me quite some time to get to this point.  A couple of breakdowns and a talk with my mommy later, I have reached that point we reach once a trial has been faced and dealt with with the help of the Lord (and in my case my personal Wonder Woman: my mother).  It's that point of perspective where we have finally reached that light at the end of the tunnel and realize, "Holy crap.  That was totally worth it."  It's worth it because of the fact that we finally see our growth.  We finally realize that whatever trial we overcame has made us progress that much more in our divine progression; we are that much closer to becoming what our Heavenly Father created us to become; we are that much closer to Him and the Savior; we are that much closer to being worthy of our Heavenly Home, and that moment of realization is worth every ounce of sorrow and suffering.

Inspiration from here:

Time Heals Nothing

* I hope that song is now stuck in your head.

Sunday Refresher

So, I have a bit of trouble designating one hymn as my favorite.  It kind of changes from day to day, circumstance to circumstance.  My favorite hymn today has been Be Still, My Soul.  It's been one of those weeks where I've just let myself be caught up in the world and forgotten who I am -- a daughter of God.  For some reason this hymn always brings me back to my Heavenly Father and my Savior.  It always reminds me that they are there always and continually reaching out, waiting for me to ask for help.  This song always reminds me of their deep and incomparable care for me.

Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav'nly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

Be still, my soul: The hour is hast'ning on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

Text: Katharina von Schlegel, b. 1697;
trans. by Jane Borthwick, 1813-1897

Feeling

I am feeling tonight, reader.

I am feeling the age of my heart, the age of my mind, and the age of my body collapsing and colliding into clashing contrasts.  I do not want the fear of adulthood, I do not want to relive the painful naivete of my childhood, I do not want to think beyond my years anymore.  I am stuck.

My birthday and my whole last week were wonderful.  I want to instill myself into those moments over and over again until I am sick from the happiness and the love.  I do not want to be too old to feel the vibrancy and the newness of youth.  It's ridiculous how hurt and sorrowful I am feeling for this.  It's only girls camp, but it really isn't.  It is the time of each summer for the past six years that I have categorized as my time to spiritually refresh and cleanse.  It is the time where the world is put away and I am allowed to be loud about being a daughter of God and a disciple of Jesus Christ.  It is the place where I have my made my very best friends, the friends I will visit with in the eternities.  They are the people I can express every thought and feeling to and they understand precisely what I am saying and how I am feeling.  We have helped each other grow in our testimonies, and I cannot believe that that time we have been blessed with every summer, is over.  It hurts miserably for some reason.  I have shed more than a few tears, and I never realized how much those one weeks out of these six summers have meant to me.

The gospel of Christ is a gospel of love, faith, and forgiveness.  I have girls camp to thank for helping me understand these attributes and to understand my divine potential and my divine abilities.

Tonight I am missing, reader.  I am missing the part of my summer that defines me; the part where I most openly am able to express my love for my Savior, Jesus Christ and for my Heavenly Father, His gospel, and His children.

On A More Serious Note

Hello, reader.  This is going to be a slightly less entertaining and much more vague post.

Throughout the entirety of my sixteen years, nine months, and thirteen days of life I have dealt with and seen more of the world (figuratively and literally) than people twice my age.  This is not something I brag about or something that I consider worth bragging about.  It is merely a fact.

I can think of eight states and two countries that I have been to other than my own, and I've probably been to even more than that.  I can give you vivid descriptions of the effects drugs can have on a person and that person's family.  I can tell you signs of conditions and diseases that you probably have never heard of, but that I grew up with.  These, again, are not things I care to talk about.  They are not things that will bring sunshine and pretty babies into others lives or my own.  These are things that will bring me back to that time.  To those moments that I didn't know if they were going to be back to normal tomorrow; to the fear I felt as a child not wanting to be taken just yet; to the heartbreak when he didn't show.

So, how do we humans, as fragile and timid as our beings are, go on?  How do we press forward?  How do we endure?  For some, it is the love and mercy of religion.  For others, it is the hope of a better tomorrow, but how is that ever enough for us?  How are we, as a species that seems to be so difficult to bring together at times, so united under the perseverance of life?  And how about those who struggle or fail to persevere?  Why couldn't they find that motivation within to play along for a sad day with the understanding that tomorrow would always come?

My heart aches today for the past and future.

I miss him.  He is gone forever.  He was supposed to be there.  He was supposed to learn my favorite songs and sing them to me throughout the rest of eternity.  I don't know how to bring him back.  I don't know how to bring him home.

That adorable angel was supposed to be hers forever.  She was supposed to be blessed to keep him.  She was supposed to be rewarded for her faith and her endurance to her breaking point.  They were not supposed to have him back.  They were supposed to understand that they weren't ready, and that they would probably never be ready.

Why do we kid ourselves with these notions?  It is the Lord's will, I know.  Others don't.  I wish they did.  It gives me such happiness and peace to always have had that thought ringing true in my heart.  Sometimes, I just wish my view was as clear as His.

Today was tragic, reader.  The happiness of the morning soon evaporated along with the dew.