For My Good

And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.

This weekend, I really feel like I've been dragged through hell. There's really no other way to put it. Friday evening I got word that a girl I grew up with and her family had been victims to a sickening act of violence. I don't think I've ever been so sad in my entire life as I have been these past three days; I don't think my heart has ever hurt so deeply. Having known and loved these people, and being one that feels far too deeply for her own good, I have just felt so heavy. But even with this sickness of sadness, I'm not sure I've ever been so aware of how much Heavenly Father knows about me either.

I've always known that he's been there for me and cares about and loves what I care about and love, but He has placed so many specific things in my little life in this big world to help me recognize that He knows my broken heart.

I went to the temple on Saturday and, knowing my love for Scotland, my Heavenly Father placed me near a missionary from Scotland that was there with his companion helping a couple that they had led to the church go to the temple for the first time to do baptisms.

And in that same place in the temple, He prompted me to talk to my friend next to me because He knew my heart was drifting into sadness as I was praying and reading the scriptures quietly.

Later that day, as I was playing my usual pickup game of ultimate frisbee, there were so many dogs and children at the park--two of my very favorite things, and two things that Heavenly Father knows are my favorite.

He prompted me to call two of my friends that I had grown up with alongside our friend who had been the surviving victim of this tragedy, and on Sunday prompted me to call my wonderful grandmother.

I have never been one for crying in public, or in front of people at all for that matter (besides my mom), but I kind of lost it during the sacrament hymn on Sunday. And while I usually try to sing sacrament hymns in my head and pray during the sacrament, Heavenly Father instead placed a song that isn't a hymn in my head because He knows the hope and peace it gives me when I've had a bad day. And while it is not a particularly spiritual song, I felt the love of God through the Spirit with immense intensity as I recited that song in my head instead of a hymn. And then after the meeting, when I broke down again, I felt His love in the hug of my bishop's fantastic wife.

He gave me peace as I had to sing twice in a musical fireside my ward held last night (Sunday), because He knows I'm trying to not be shy in sharing my talents and because He knows how much I love to sing and how much it scares me to sing in front of others.

He helped me when I went over to a friend's apartment to receive a priesthood blessing and his roommates (also friends of mine) offered me ice cream when I came over, even though they didn't know that I had come over to receive a blessing. (I love ice cream.)

I woke up this morning from a good dream, and then my thoughts caught up with me and I felt myself slipping into sadness again. After trying to cope with some spiritual enlightenment, I went downstairs, looked out the window, and saw that it was snowing. The gentle fall of frozen water may be the bane of some people's existence, but to me, it is a gentle, quiet reminder of the Christmas season and the Savior that's at the center of its celebration.

He loves me so much, and even though I'm still sad, and my heart is still aching, and I want to cry even as I write all of this, He has helped me know He is here. He has held me close and safe in the midst of this ugly, horrific storm. He keeps urging me to not let go of my faith and to mourn with those that mourn. And if that's all He asks in exchange for this immense love that I have felt from Him, then that's what I'm going to do. And somehow, someway, this will all be for [my] good.

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The song in my head during Sacrament: