Dear August,
I am twenty years old and I still do not have my driver's license.
Not a lot of people know that, and even fewer understand it. I barely even understand it myself. The only reason I even have my learner's permit is because I needed an ID to get my Financial Aid through and I thought it would be stupid to pay to get a state ID when I could just go ahead and take the stupid learner's permit test. I passed, though, which has caused years of...
You wanna practice, Jazmin?
Why haven't you gotten your license yet, Jazmin?
Jazmin, there's nothing to be afraid of.
Hey Jazmin. Did you ever end up finally getting your license?
And so on.
I don't know what it is. I tell people I just have this irrational fear of driving and dying in a car wreck, but in my head it's not very irrational. The fear isn't really what stops me from wanting to drive, though. I really just don't enjoy it. There are times when I do just suck it up and get behind the wheel because, again, I'm twenty-freaking-years old and I need to stop being a baby, but I have only felt that joyous "freedom" everyone keeps telling me you get when you finally start driving once or twice.
Today, whilst driving back to Orlando from Jacksonville, I managed to have a minor panic attack. I didn't externalize it, but my internal was on fire with tightness. I was fine when I first started, but some time between sixty and eighty a switch went off and I knew I was done for the day. Grandma took over for the rest of the journey.
It was the first time I had ever really felt a panic attack whilst driving. I mean, I've flipped out externally while driving, but I have never felt so out of control with what was going on inside.
I don't know why, but I hate admitting this problem with anxiety. I haven't really had the problem since I was little. I absolutely hated places with a lot of people and loud noises back in the day. Eventually, I grew out of it and never really had to deal with the anxiety that is so prevalent in my blood. Once I started working at the biggest Disney merchandise store in the world, though, the anxiety crept back in and I have had trouble not letting it overwhelm me.
August, I understand that there's nothing wrong with people who experience anxiety on the regular, but I just can't face the fact that I am almost one of those people. It's stupid, I know, but I just like to deal with things by myself without any desire for pity or attention. I don't like to be worried about. I never have, even when I was the center of worry for so many people as I grew up with so many health problems.
I don't like to vocalize what's going on inside my thick noggin. I just like to deal with things myself and find a way to get over it without any help from anyone. It's a problem.
One of these days, though, I will find a way to get over this "irrational" fear of mine, but that day is definitely not today, August.
Who knows. Maybe something will just click and I'll suddenly wake up to the desire of being a Nascar driver...
Or maybe I'll just stick to my flip flops for transportation.
Love,
Jazmin
I am twenty years old and I still do not have my driver's license.
Not a lot of people know that, and even fewer understand it. I barely even understand it myself. The only reason I even have my learner's permit is because I needed an ID to get my Financial Aid through and I thought it would be stupid to pay to get a state ID when I could just go ahead and take the stupid learner's permit test. I passed, though, which has caused years of...
You wanna practice, Jazmin?
Why haven't you gotten your license yet, Jazmin?
Jazmin, there's nothing to be afraid of.
Hey Jazmin. Did you ever end up finally getting your license?
And so on.
I don't know what it is. I tell people I just have this irrational fear of driving and dying in a car wreck, but in my head it's not very irrational. The fear isn't really what stops me from wanting to drive, though. I really just don't enjoy it. There are times when I do just suck it up and get behind the wheel because, again, I'm twenty-freaking-years old and I need to stop being a baby, but I have only felt that joyous "freedom" everyone keeps telling me you get when you finally start driving once or twice.
Today, whilst driving back to Orlando from Jacksonville, I managed to have a minor panic attack. I didn't externalize it, but my internal was on fire with tightness. I was fine when I first started, but some time between sixty and eighty a switch went off and I knew I was done for the day. Grandma took over for the rest of the journey.
It was the first time I had ever really felt a panic attack whilst driving. I mean, I've flipped out externally while driving, but I have never felt so out of control with what was going on inside.
I don't know why, but I hate admitting this problem with anxiety. I haven't really had the problem since I was little. I absolutely hated places with a lot of people and loud noises back in the day. Eventually, I grew out of it and never really had to deal with the anxiety that is so prevalent in my blood. Once I started working at the biggest Disney merchandise store in the world, though, the anxiety crept back in and I have had trouble not letting it overwhelm me.
August, I understand that there's nothing wrong with people who experience anxiety on the regular, but I just can't face the fact that I am almost one of those people. It's stupid, I know, but I just like to deal with things by myself without any desire for pity or attention. I don't like to be worried about. I never have, even when I was the center of worry for so many people as I grew up with so many health problems.
I don't like to vocalize what's going on inside my thick noggin. I just like to deal with things myself and find a way to get over it without any help from anyone. It's a problem.
One of these days, though, I will find a way to get over this "irrational" fear of mine, but that day is definitely not today, August.
Who knows. Maybe something will just click and I'll suddenly wake up to the desire of being a Nascar driver...
Or maybe I'll just stick to my flip flops for transportation.
Love,
Jazmin
No comments:
Post a Comment